


Break and Enter

by enkiduu



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-06 16:50:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10339659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enkiduu/pseuds/enkiduu
Summary: Dirk breaks into Todd's coffee shop, breaks into his life, and Todd's pretty sure all he can do in return is break Dirk's heart.But Dirk doesn't seem to care. "I always go where I need to be," he says. "Everything is connected. And believe me, we are definitely connected."





	

Time passes.

It passes slowly, and takes a little of Todd away with each dull, monotonous second.

Todd sighs when the final customer exits the coffee shop, leaving him with a mess of a place to clean up. Another day of boredom, with him barely scraping by, and now night has fallen. Time to close up.

Or, at least, that's what he planned on doing. But when he turns around, there's a man who's popped up out of nowhere, smiling and scaring the shit out of Todd.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Good evening to you too,” the man says cheerfully. He peers up at the menu. “I believe I’m in a coffee shop, so I suppose I’ll have some coffee?”

“What the _hell_ ,” Todd reiterates for emphasis. “How did you get in?” He already locked up the place, and he was sure there was no one left. Certainly not someone in such a violently vibrant, yellow jacket.

The man looks excited to answer this. He opens his mouth and begins to explain, “Well, you see—”

“You know what, I don’t care,” Todd interrupts. He's tired and needs to get home before Dorian finds another reason to threaten him. “Just get out.”

“Is that how you greet all your customers?” the other asks, sounding mystified. His eyes dart down to Todd’s name-tag. “It’s a wonder you get any at all, Todd.”

“No,” Todd says, staring at him disbelievingly. “No. It’s just how I greet strangers who _break into my coffee shop_ , wearing a jacket like that.”

The man looks down, affronted. “That was unnecessary. There is nothing wrong with my jacket. Besides,” he adds with a shrug, “I didn't break in, technically. Your door is fine. You just didn't notice me.”

Todd’s eye twitches. “Who are you? Why are you here?” he asks. He has a headache and no desire to deal with this guy any longer than he has to.

“My name is Dirk Gently,” the man replies easily. “I’m a holistic detective.” Todd has no idea what that is. “I’m here because, well... I felt like some coffee. Apparently.” At Todd’s perplexed stare, he elaborates, “I don’t really know, but I’m sure it’ll work out.”

“Apparently,” Todd echoes faintly. He's even more confused now than before. “You broke in my coffee shop because you _apparently_ felt like coffee.”

“Precisely!” Dirk agrees with a nod. “I knew you'd understand. Although, you are _oddly_ fixated on the part where I broke in. Which, even it is true, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?”

Todd takes a deep breath and throws his coffee at Dirk’s face with a splash. Not scalding, but it's still satisfying.

Dirk yelps. “What was that for?” he exclaims, dismayed.

"You’re ‘apparently’ a detective, why don’t you figure it out?” Todd retorts. “There is no grand scheme of things. I have no idea what you are, what you're talking about,” he frowns, “or what you're on. You got your coffee, now leave before I call the cops.”

“No... Oh!” Dirk beams at him, dismay evaporating. Todd feels a little lost by how cheerful he is, despite being drenched in cold coffee. “You’re right. You must be connected to the murder!”

“Did you not hear about the part where I said the cops—wait. What murder?” Todd asks, alarmed.

“Oh, Patrick Spring’s murder,” Dirk says, like that explains everything. It does not. He leans over the counter. “It hasn't happened yet,” he tells Todd conspiratorially with an expression that is much too excited for what he's talking about, “but it will.”

Todd stares at him, eyes wide and duly concerned. Dirk doesn't seem to realize how creepy that sounds. He seems too sunshiny to be a serial killer, but it’s not like Todd has experience with serial killers.

“I'll be stopping it, probably, so no need to worry,” Dirk continues. It's meant to be relieving, but honestly, not very convincing. “The question is, why are _you_ here?” he asks curiously. He's really enjoying this, Todd can tell. “Who are you? Are you—?”

"I'm nobody,” Todd snaps. If he sounds bitterer than he should, it's only because he's tired. “And I'm leaving, if you're not.” He pushes his way past Dirk. This isn’t a holdup; it’s much weirder than that, and he wants out, but Dirk doesn't seem to care.

“But you must be important,” Dirk insists, blocking his way at the door. “Connected, somehow, otherwise I wouldn't be here. Everything is connected, you see. Well, perhaps you don’t see,” he amends, “since no one else really ever does. But the universe brought me here to you.” He smiles at him earnestly. “I wanted _coffee_ , and I always go where I need to be.”

That makes no sense. “I'm serious, Dirk,” Todd snaps. “None of that means anything to me. Leave. Me. Alone.”

Disappointment settles heavily in Dirk’s blue eyes, but he doesn’t seem surprised by Todd’s words. He drops his arm to let Todd pass, his expression faltering into something more reserved. He looks like he wants to say something but thinks better of it.

Todd hesitates, his anger faltering into something more conflicted.

The self-proclaimed detective seems sad, fragile, without his smile. Lonely. It makes Todd wonder what brings someone to a coffee shop so late. Whatever Dirk may say or believe he wants...

It's not coffee.

Todd sighs. He’s not good at being anybody’s company—he has a terrible track record. Dirk, who’s clearly crazy, has chosen the worst place to break into.

And yet, here Dirk is, apparently wanting to be here.

There's nothing wrong with kicking someone out if they aren't supposed to be here in the first place. There's no reason to feel bad. None at all.

But...

“Fine,” Todd says reluctantly, walking back behind the counter. He sweeps a gaze over the line of mugs and chooses a bright yellow one with a smiley face on it. “Go dry yourself in the washroom. I’ll make you something, but just this once. After that, you have to leave. What do you want?”

Dirk’s blue eyes light up with surprised delight. His smile returns. He seems happier than before. “Great! Something sweet, please. Thank you, Todd. You’re—good. I’ll be back.”

Todd sighs again, shaking his head. Maybe he’s crazy, because he’s smiling too. Just a little.

As expected, Dirk does not shut up while he drinks his coffee. In fact, he gets even more open and talkative now that he's obviously misunderstood the situation (no, they’re not friends). He asks all these questions, like who is Todd? What does he do as a barista? How did he make this amazing, wonderful coffee?

“This is fantastic,” Dirk says. “I've never had coffee before. They always said it was bitter and bad, but it's really not, is it?”

“What? How can you have never had coffee before?” Todd asks. “Do they... not have coffee in England?”

“Hm. I'm sure they do,” Dirk says pensively. What a weird thing to say. “I'm simply more of a tea person. Coffee never crosses my path. Soda, on the other hand... Oh, that. That was a weird case, even for me.” He smiles at the memory.

“Uh huh,” Todd says. What's weird for Dirk must be really bizarre. “So you're a detective.”

“A holistic detective,” Dirk corrects. “Big difference. A whole world’s difference, actually. And before you ask, no, I'm not with the CIA anymore.”

Todd blinks. Twice, for good measure. “That was not what I expected, but... you worked with the CIA?” he repeats. “And what's a holistic detective?”

“Well, kind of. More importantly, I'm glad you asked me that,” Dirk says, pleased. “The term ‘holistic’ refers to my convictions about the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.” He goes on about the universe and the connections between everything, and Todd is stupefied by how much he can talk.

“So you're... what, a psychic?”

“Not exactly, no.” He looks at Todd suspiciously. Oh, yeah, sure, like _Todd’s_ the suspicious one. “Have you even been listening?”

“Yeah.” Unfortunately. “So, your not-exactly-a-psychic-ness brought you here?”

“Exactly, yes. Which is why I believe you're involved with the case I took today. Somehow.”

Todd scoffs. “I can’t be involved with a murder that hasn't even _happened_ yet. Somehow.”

"Maybe you're just not _involved_ yet. Somehow,” Dirk points out. He leans over the table they’re sitting at, examining Todd carefully. “Are you a clue, an accomplice, or an assistant? I hope you’re an assistant. I think you’d be a good one.”

“None of the above. I’m just a barista trying to get by. I don’t have any murderous ambitions.”

“Good! That means you’re an assistant,” Dirk concludes.

“What? No,” Todd says.

“Yes,” Dirk says.

“Whether I want to or not?” Todd asks. “Look. Just because you—or the universe, whatever—say so, doesn't make it true,” he tells him, but Dirk just shrugs vaguely.

“I will eventually solve the mystery merely by just kind of doing... whatever. You’re already caught on this path of this case.”

“Just by doing whatever.”

“Mhm.”

“I don't know how I’d possibly be connected,” Todd says. “Nothing ever happens to me.”

“Really? Fascinating,” Dirk comments, nodding thoughtfully with a genuinely amazed smile. Todd raises an eyebrow. “Nothing _never_ happens to me.”

Todd shakes his head, reluctantly and surprisingly amused.

"It's true. I always happen... to... things.” Dirk trails off and takes a last sip of his coffee. “You’ll see.”

Todd hopes not. Conversing with Dirk for this long already has been a terrible idea. He and Dirk couldn't be more different. Dirk wears his heart on his bright sleeves—he hides nothing and gives mercilessly all his eccentric cheer and sunshine.

Todd doesn't want the sun in the form of some holistic detective. He’s much more comfortable hiding in the shade. He doesn't want to be friends with Dirk, who apparently chases murder mysteries. Or has them follow him around, whatever. Todd is still confused. 

“No more breaking in, okay? And do not follow me home,” Todd adds, because he gets the feeling that he should add that part.

“Promise.” Dirk grins at him and waves him good night. “Unless it’s an emergency,” he adds after a few moments.

Todd sighs. He gets a feeling Dirk added that part for a reason, and he really hopes he’s wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear what you guys think! <3 I think it's kinda nice that no one is trying to kill these two (for once) and they meet when Todd isn't having the worst day of his life. Of course, Dirk still does some breaking and entering. Very much his style. 
> 
> (you can come find me on tumblr @en-ki-duu)


End file.
